Home

Moving back home has been wonderful. Really, life saving. God saved my life by opening the door to move back here for a while. My town, Oracle, population around 5,000, is so beautiful and peaceful and strangers still wave to you when you are driving down the main road (35 mph). It is surrounded by hills and mountains of all different shades of greens and blues. And the sky is so clear and the air is crisp and clean. It's all wide open space. Every day I feel like I am in a part of heaven.

There is this country song called Small Town USA that I bought from iTunes (so many judgments right now, I know), but some of the lyrics are "Everybody knows me and I know them. And I believe that's the way we're suppose to live." Immediately I thought of the communities we build at church and LIFE and close groups of friends. We all have an innate need for community and fellowship, even in the shallow sense of those words. On any level, we need it. Since I've been home I've spent time with friends I've known since elementary school and we just picked up where we left off. And every time it felt like home. And when you haven't felt the deepest, most true meaning of that word in years, finding it over and over again every day is heaven. I just really needed to be here again...where I have my roots and all is familiar. I needed to get some new direction in life. And I also needed to take time out to help my family and to get healthy emotionally and spiritually and physically. I realize now I needed it more than I thought.

I still miss California though. I love California. And I think about it all the time. I think of my friends, who are heroes of mine and have saved me more than they can know. I think of driving around Orange County and going to the beach at night. I think of driving by the Angels Stadium, seeing only a sea of red and white in the seats. And I miss Santa Monica, with it's hazy air and constant breeze and shops of beautiful clothes and books and foods I've never even heard of. And I miss watching movies with friends and spending hours just being together...my home away from home.

And I am a little hollow without House of Grace and the Mosaic on Sunday nights. And I have been craving an iced Chai from the Loop for months now. Or an iced black Americano.

Here is the point of all this:

I was so stressed out and drained this past year in California. I thought, "Where are You, God? Save me." And He did. Not in a way I expected, but that never happens, does it? He brought me home and provided me with a new job !! (NO MORE STARBUCKS!) He showed me it was ok to quit...that part of my life was over and something new can begin. So refreshing. I have been able to help my parents remodel the house and help at work. They need some physical rest. I've been able to spend time with my brothers! And many more ways that I can write about later that God has totally provided. I have great friends, new and old :) Stress has been minimized and I feel like a new person...or the old me, I'm not sure which. And the best part about no stress is it doesn't get in my way of hearing God. It was a block, a wall. Now I know why Jesus emphasized "Trust Me. Don't fear. Do not worry." Stress and worry was a wall between us. And that is the worst kind of wall to have up in life.
I love being home and getting all rested up so I can someday go back to California and do some damage (in a good way); finish school strong and serve the people of Los Angeles with a new, rejuvenated, strengthened heart to serve and to show love. I feel like myself for the first time in years...I have more faith and I am trusting and I am happy and I have that joy again. Now I can find ways to serve my family and the community here! Opportunity is always present. You can go ahead and quote me on that, but I bet somebody has already said it before. Probably Mike Larkin. Oh, I am reminded of what Theodore Roosevelt said, "Do what you can with what you have, where you are."

So, I am excited to go back to L.A. to serve my friends and the people of the city. But until then, I am so so happy to be home.

The fires : (

While I was driving yesterday I thought, "I feel bad for California." So much of it is burning. I feel like part of me is being wounded.

A good thing

Today was Katelyn's bridal shower, so I had a "to do" list in order for it to be successful. One thing on my list was to go to Costco.

I only had one item, so the man in front of me said I could go first. The old woman in front of me had a tight, I mean tight, grey ponytail and small glasses on. Without blinking she was watching the total on the cash register sign increase, holding out her check book. I thought, "Man, she is very serious about this right now. I bet she is very serious about life in general. But I bet she isn't stressed out though. Some people are just serious and they are ok with that." It made me laugh. She was nice. She was chatting with the cashier and I was relieved to learn she wasn't a mean serious, but a nice serious.

The young lady cashier said, "Is the address on the check current?" And the serious woman said politely, "Yes. Been living in the same house for 30 years." In her voice there was no regret or satisfaction. It was just a fact. And the cashier said, "That is a good thing." And I found myself nodding in agreement. For a long time. I just stared at the counter and nodded while thinking about having consistency, stability, a home, a long-lasting family, dogs, decorations, security... for 30 years. No more wondering where I'm going to live in the next year. No more moving thousands of boxes. No more U-hauls or storage units or pulling up my roots. "That is a good thing." she said. And I thought, "That is a good thing." I stopped nodding when I realized I wasn't even part of the conversation.

I quickly thought, "30 years is a bit long for me to be in one place though." Maybe I feel this way because I am in a constant, constant state of feeling torn in two. Like I'm never 100% satisfied with where I'm living. Whatever city or state or apartment. My mom said I will feel this way until I get my own house. She speaks from experience. I believe her and can't wait. Also, thinking about 30 years...my parents have been in my house for nearly that long. For me it is security, memories, strength, growth, commitment, love... and home. And that is a good thing.

This explained it for me

"When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have."

-Edgar Watson Howe

helpful message

Reading through the Old Testament last semester, I pictured God differently than I do when I read the NT. In the OT He is lawful, just, a guide, even distant than what I believe Him to be now. But, my professor spoke truth that changed me, "God has always been what we know Jesus to be."

It's true that God is just and a guide, but He is not distant. He is personal, Sovereign and interested in the details of our lives. Just as I have always been taught how Jesus is. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is unchanging. This changes the way I read the Old Testament entirely.

truth from Charles Lee

your knowledge is important, but more so your actions.

summer on display

I'm leaving for seattle next week. already. The emerald city.
I'm looking forward to the market, visiting the very first Starbucks, reading Jack Kerouac in hidden bookshops and turning 21!

yeah, its going to be an adventure. But, for now....I'm enjoying arizona. home.
watching my brother mop his kitchen floor with a bathtowel, taco night at my nana's, seeing the stars (because they don't exist in L.A.).


summer in arizona: dark skin, melting asphalt, iced coffee.
Life is good.